"Show me the way God, show me the way."

I recently attended a wonderful concert with chanting by Karl Anthony called “Mantra.”  Very powerful.  I highly recommend that you check out the link (http://www.KARLANTHONY.com) and get thee to a concert!  Karl mentioned a dark period in his life when he found himself sitting in a dark room not knowing if he would ever be able to perform again.  He started chanting which brought him out of his despair and lead to the idea of the Mantra concerts.

As most spiritual teachers tell us the darkness is often (maybe always?) a part of the awakening process.  Perhaps in the dark we can't see as clearly with the egoic eyes.  It seems as if we are closer to our true essential nature when we are in touch with these raw emotions.  I had an experience a number of years ago as I was walking a labyrinth at the CSLCV.  During the first third of the labyrynth I was concerned with whether I was "looking spiritual" enough (the year before when I walked the labyrinth someone said 'you were on fire in there' so I was concerned about doing that again), then as I entered the middle third of the labyrinth my feelings went deeper and I experienced the emotional pain related to the ending of a relationship, and when I reached the center of the labyrinth those feelings had passed and I felt the peace of Spirit. Can we trust the process of our lives...accepting what we are experiencing in each moment knowing that we are being lead back home to God, love, peace?

I have been experiencing a series of reoccurring feelings as I continue with my spiritual practices.  First it was pain, then shame, and now fear seems to be the feeling of the month.  As these feelings arise I am learning to let them be.  I’ve talked a lot about releasing and letting go of feelings based on Michael’s writings.  It is not necessarily letting go of the feeling (and expecting the feeling to disappear) but it is letting go in the midst of the feeling that can allow whatever healing or insight is ready to appear to show up (like perhaps the idea to create the Mantra concerts).

At this point my spiritual journey feels like a dance.  It seems like I am swaying back and forth between feeling the love of God, and, experiencing the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings associated with what life is presenting to me (i.e., samskaras).  I am learning to let go and trust.     

As Karl so powerfully sings “Show me the way God, show me the way.”    

"you can't outrun yourself"

I spent some time this week thinking about my story and the conclusions that I have drawn from this story (e.g., how I got the message that I am not able to freely express myself for fear of being rejected).  Understanding how these fears developed helps me to see that they are based on illusion...another person's pain causing them to act in a way that I gave personal meaning to which resulted in my pain.

The fear itself is not the problem, it is when I let the fear dictate how I operate in my life that problems arise.    It is when I let the fear and pain keep me from really opening to others in an undefended way that I remain stuck. This is not the way I want to live and I realize that the only way out is through...through the fear and pain. (This same message permeates The Untethered Soul, especially when Michael talks about samskaras and in Part 4:  Going Beyond)

Adyashanti says:  "There has to be a willingness to feel that fear again, feel the hesitation, feel the tendency to recoil -if it's there- and to have the willingness to move into it, to actually become intimate with the fear itself.  Union with fear isn't something that many of us consider when we think of intimacy and relationship.  But when you are willing to be intimate with your resistance, closer than you imagine, then you will see that your fears are not your enemies; they are your allies."  (falling into grace, p. 154)

Adya says that being intimate with fear involves feeling it and then staying with it, not running away from the feeling.  The tendency will be to recoil but that is not possible because "It's a fear that's created within your own being and you can't outrun yourself." (falling into grace, p. 156)

It seems like I am being inundated with these messages:  let go of the mind/psyche/ego, walk through my fears, open my heart, connect with others because we are all One.   Although it may seem like we have forever to do these things, our time on this human plane is limited.  It is time to move through the fear,  experience life as it is showing up, and let God take over the reigns.

beginner's heart

Adyashanti talks about how we all crave intimacy and deep closeness with others, yet at the same time we are frightened by this closeness.  That is because we opened ourselves up to others as children and were wounded...therefore we close down in order to protect ourselves from further hurt.

Adya also says    "Somehow, we must find the willingness and the courage to open ourselves to true relationship, so that we can become once again open to true intimacy.  Whether through a relationship with another human being, with the environment, or even simply with our own self, the invitation is to come into this true intimacy, this profound sense of human connection." (falling into grace, p. 152). 

Being intimate with others "requires a depth of insight and a deep willingness to be open to fear- to be willing to see the parts of you that don't want to open." (falling into grace, p. 153).  This requires not only being in beginner's mind, but also being in beginner's heart.     

The questions that I ask myself are 'Am I willing to be open and vulnerable in relationships so that I can find  where I am blocked (i.e., where my inner thorns are that I am protecting)?'  'Am I willing to face the pain when it arises so that I can let go of these blocks and move into a deeper realization of Self and a greater intimacy with others?'  This is a daily practice and every moment is an opportunity to become more intimate with myself, my environment or others.  It all boils down to whether I am willing to experience the pain in the short run in order to have freedom and the intimacy that I crave in the long run.

Michael on Oprah

It was great to see Michael on Oprah today!  I was reminded of the chapter on the inner thorn and the idea that on this spiritual journey life shows us our inner thorns (any time you feel even the slightest inner disturbance, you have found a thorn).  We can choose to either protect them (which means we keep them) or remove them (which is painful but then they are gone).  As Michael said to Oprah, all that we have to do is relax in the face of our inner disturbances and they will heal themselves, just as a splinter would work its way out of our body if left alone.

Michael shared a personal experience: His company was indicted for fraud and during the 6 years that the case was being investigated he never once blamed God nor felt that the situation was unfair even though he knew that they were innocent.  Instead, he used it as an opportunity to let go of any remaining sense of personal self.  He let go of concerns about what others thought about 'Michael Singer.'

We can do the same.  This self that we have developed is not real.  These thoughts that we hold onto in order to maintain this self, have no meaning (other than the meaning that we give them as the Course in Miracles says).  The thoughts only serve to get in the way of us experiencing Spirit, Joy, Peace, and Love.  I saw that clearly this week.  For years I have held on to a belief about how one family member was being treated by another and what that family member should do about it...basically distance herself from the other person.  She didn't and now the other person is changing his tune in a positive way.  My thoughts, my judgments about this were really just wasted energy.

As Michael reminded us today, all of our thoughts are just ideas that have been programmed from our past, they are not real, we should not listen to them.  My new mantra:  my 'self' does not know anything.  There really is no self but that is too much for my little brain to grasp all at once.  I will start with letting go of thoughts.

As I hold thoughts lightly and let them go, what I often experience is the fear, pain, and other feelings that I have been trying to avoid.  This is why we have created the false self in the first place...to help us navigate "comfortably" in life.  To let go means we have to face the pain that is involved with removing the thorn.  Ultimately, by letting go of this personal self altogether we will have to face the fear of the unknown.  The alternative is to spend our lives protecting our thorns.  Remember the description of the bulky apparatus that Michael described in TUS?

More about feelings, including Adyashanti's teachings about 'beginner's heart' in an up-coming blog.