surrender to the mystery

Lately I have been focusing on the idea of surrender: surrendering to God and to the mystery of the unknown.  Some times I find it easier to surrender than others.  Also, I know there is always room for deeper surrender.

I was working on these ideas with a friend and during a time of contemplation I 'heard' my ego say "Absolutely not, there is no way that I am going to let go and surrender everything to God.  I am not going into the unknown."  As I sat with this awareness I started to feel some pain.  I allowed myself to feel into the pain.  After some time a childhood issue surfaced.  I realized that I had drawn a similar conclusion about being vulnerable in life and to others (i.e., to a certain extent I closed myself off from being vulnerable to others as a result of feeling rejected by my Dad...his moods and his ability to be open and loving toward me varied greatly depending on whether he was drunk or sober...one never knew what they were going to get from him).  Little kids are very open and vulnerable and when the adults in their lives reject them it can feel very painful.  Not letting myself be completely open to love became a way to protect myself.

Although I have worked on these childhood issues before, this time was different.  I saw my Dad as a wounded person, not as someone who was (at least at times) cold-hearted and hurtful.  I saw him as someone who was running away from his own pain...something that we all do in one way or another, and at one time or another.  I felt compassion for him.  Although I do not think that I have been holding onto a lot of resentment towards my Dad for all of these years, I have been holding onto a certain amount of discomfort with getting close and being very vulnerable and exposed to others.  Being willing to open my heart to my own pain (once again) helped me to see my Dad compassionately.  Seeing him as a wounded person enabled me to move into compassion and forgiveness.  

It is interesting to see the parallel between my ability to deeply trust and surrender to God and my ability to do this in relationship with others.

I am not saying that it is necessary to go back and re-live or heal from childhood issues as part of one's spiritual work, however, I do believe that whatever healings are needed will happen as we set the intention to open our hearts and minds to God.
  

      

turning within for truth

My daughter is a musical theater student and she auditioned for a part in Fall play. She was called-back several times for one of the lead roles and was very excited and hopeful that she would get the part.  As it turned out she got a role but not one of the leads.  As I was feeling and letting go of the disappointment that I felt for her, I had a change in perspective.

I thought about Robin Williams.  Although worldly achievements are important for our self-esteem and enjoyment in life in the big scheme of things they actually mean very little. Robin had lots of talent and success and still was very unhappy.  Michael Singer talks about the fact that many women value looking beautiful, such as Marilyn Monroe who achieved this goal and yet she killed herself.

The world of effects can be quite exciting and seductive but these positive feelings are always temporary and illusory.  True joy, love and peace are already ours and can be found right where we are standing if we decide to let go of the roles/identity/ego and allow who we really are to come forth. 

Let go of the world of effects and turn within to find out who you really are.

"How we act and feel depends on how awake we are, and how much we experience that silence, that peace within."(Falling into Grace, p. 95)

(P.S., And as it turns out my daughter loves her new part.  I am happy for her but I strive to  not cling to this happiness.  Michael Singer suggests expressing gratitude for that which opens us but not to cling to the feeling nor the outer cause.)

life is waiting for you to be still

It has been a busy week so I will post something that Adya wrote and I may write more later in the weekend.  Here is what Adya has to say about the role that John the Baptist played in Jesus's awakening.  As you will see in the last sentence, the descent of spirit can come to us when we are open to someone who is awakened or when we are open to spirit through some other avenue of life.

"All that life is waiting for is a moment of being still.  Then the resonant force can be activated in you, opening you so that spirit can come alive in you... You no longer identify yourself with your name, or gender, or occupation, or past history.  You know and experience yourself to be pure spirit, the formless and eternal consciousness of all created things...You don't become divine being: you realize it; you awaken to it.  And you awaken to it when you surrender, when you open yourself deeply to another person who's awake or simply to the mystery of life itself." (Resurrecting Jesus, p.63-64)

Surrender.

Be still and listen.

Allow yourself the gift of finding out who you really are, beyond the drama of the mind.  You are so much more and life is just waiting to show you who you are.

All you have to do is say "Yes!".

"Imagine your human life as what you have come to redeem."

"As I tell people when I teach, 'God so loved the world, that he sent it his only begotten sons and daughters.' That not only applies to Jesus, that's you.  Imagine if you took it on yourself to reorient your life trajectory toward your divinity.  Your divinity: I so loved the world, that I gave it all of myself.  Imagine your birth as an act of pouring yourself forth into life as a loving means of redemption.  Imagine your human life as what you have come to redeem.  And when you've fully awakened to all of it, then you've fully redeemed your human incarnation...

And when you reorient your life toward this realization, then you understand: you so loved the world , you had so much compassion, you had so much love that you poured yourself forth into life and that pouring was your birth. You are here to redeem whatever you encounter in this life, to wake up within everything the deep reality of its divine existence." (Resurrecting Jesus, p. 50)
 
Adya says that we find this human experience of redemption in the silence and the stillness.

This teaching moved me very much.  Instead of resisting or fighting with or trying to change life, what if we knew that we were here to redeem whatever we encounter, to wake up within everything the deep reality of its divine existence?  This is accomplished not through the efforts of the personal will, separate self, or ego but through a deep connection with Spirit.

This gives a whole different perspective to our lives.  Challenges are not something to fix as much as an opportunity to awaken to divinity.  For example, as a parent instead of asking myself "How I can get my teenager to do what I think they need to do?", I ask myself  "What wants to be said or done here?" or "What do I need to say or do to awaken divinity in myself and my kids?"

Connect with Spirit in the silence and the stillness and then pour yourself into your life in order to wake up within everything the deep reality of its divine existence.

moving into the field of light

In my last blog post I quoted Adya as saying “we must pour ourselves forth into life, instead of tying to escape life and avoid its challenges.”  Much of Michael Singer’s book “The Untethered Soul”  is about moving out of our comfort zones by being present with our pain/discomfort/fears (versus building a life around avoiding discomfort) in order to get to a place of freedom and awakening.  I find it interesting that the field of psychology is getting on board with this philosophy by helping people to “be with” their discomfort/anxiety and moving forward in their lives anyway (as opposed to trying to get rid of the anxiety/discomfort…which never works).  I work with these ideas a lot, both personally and with clients. 

One area of discomfort for me is speaking in large groups of people. Although I can and have done this it is something that causes me anxiety.  I have decided to embrace every opportunity to speak in front of groups of people.  I recently attended a weekend workshop where there were lots of opportunities to share.  I noticed that my experiences at the workshop seemed to be different than what most of the other people were sharing.  Most people talked about the positive experiences that they were having while I noticed that I was feeling resistance.  I decided to share my experience anyway which left me feeling a bit vulnerable.

 

I sat with the discomfort of feeling vulnerable.  Do you remember Michael Singer’s analogy about the comfortable house built in the middle of a beautiful field filled with light?  The person inside the house felt so safe and comfortable that they never experienced the beauty of the field and the light that surrounded them.  As I sat with my discomfort I reminded myself that I was letting myself out of that house (which is more like a prison than a place of safety and comfort).

And as the weekend continued (probably at least partially due to the fact that I shared what was authentically happening for me) I had an experience that helped me to break through the resistance. 

Holding onto or avoiding fear, anxiety, pain, judgment, anger blocks us from experiencing ourselves and others as Divine Beings.  To be present with what we are feeling and allowing the feelings to move through us (e.g., by not feeding the feelings with our thoughts...which is a topic for another day) helps us to let go of our small sense of self and move closer to experiencing our True Essence as Beings of Light and Love.

giving yourself to life

Daniel Namod gave a talk about a trip he took to Yellowstone at a service last Sunday (You can hear it on the unitytustin.org website.).  His talk started out to be very entertaining and kind of light.  As I was listening the thought popped into my head that this wasn't as deep as I would like.  For a second I questioned whether I should have come.  I did not attach to these thoughts.  I just noticed them and went back to listening to what Daniel was saying.  He talked about being on a hike and encountering a buffalo who blocked the trail and would not let him proceed.  Daniel had been feeling very much at home, like he belonged in Yellowstone so this experience was very disconcerting.  As it turned out there was a killing about 1/4 of a mile from where Daniel encountered the buffalo...2 bears had killed another buffalo and were in the process of eating it.  If Daniel had gone a little further he would have been killed by the bears.

This story really touched my heart and helped me to heal from the experience with my dog. Perhaps acknowledging and then letting go of the thoughts and feelings about my dog being attacked helped me to open to this healing.  I also recognize the value in not attaching to the chatter of my mind.  My mind is constantly producing some kind of commentary or judgment (e.g., this is not deep enough for me) that can prevent me from being fully present to what I am experiencing in the moment.

Here is a passage from Resurrecting Jesus that relates to what I have been writing about:

"Jesus concludes that passage in the Gospel of Thomas by saying 'If he does not shine, he is darkness.'  That's the challenge...Either we are in light or we are in darkness.  That's a teaching meant to shake us from our slumber.  In order to come into our full potential and to embody truth and radiance of what we are, we must come vitally alive; we must lean once again into presence; we must pour ourselves forth into life, instead of tying to escape life and avoid its challenges.  Then our lives themselves become expressions of love, of overflow, because we have compassionately given ourselves to life, to our incarnation, as a means to redeem it---to bring everything home, back to its source, to the eternal radiance within each and every one of us."  (p. 34-35).

another example of the path of non-resistance

In the last several posts I mentioned some challenges that I have encountered lately.  Some of the challenges have had to do with relationships, mainly looking to relationships to bring me love, joy etc.   When I connected with my deepest and highest Truth I became aware that I am Love and that looking for love (or joy, or peace...) outside of myself is not the way to go.  As Michael Singer describes it, relationships can open us to the love that is already within us, but there is nothing to "get" from another because our source of love is God/Spirit.  As I remember this truth in my daily life my heart opens and my relationships and my life flow much more harmoniously.

Another recent challenge had to do with my dog being attacked by a rottweiler in the park near my home. My dog is fine although it was a traumatic experience for both he and I.  The rottweiler had his mouth around my dog and he wouldn't let go.  I yelled and screamed but I did not kick the rottweiler.  I felt powerless to protect my dog and that is a horrible feeling.  I was at Agape this past Sunday and in that spiritually-charged environment I was able to get in touch with my deepest feelings about the situation.  I felt really bad that I did not do more to help my dog.  I don't know what would have happened if I had kicked the rottweiler.  He might have let my dog go sooner, or he might have bit down harder on my dog (as it was he barely broke the skin), or he might have bit me.  In either case, as I sat there in church I allowed the feelings of remorse, disappointment in myself, and fear arise.  There were no thoughts of self-blame.  I just recognized the feelings.  I let them be.  As uncomfortable as it was to feel those feelings, they needed to be felt so that I can let them go.  Pretending that they are not there just adds additional barriers that keep me from opening to life.  The feelings will pass as I allow them to be present without keeping them locked in place with my thoughts.

(And I now carry pepper spray in case I am ever in a situation like that again.)