Patching up those walls

Although I have been working with the idea of witnessing and letting go for a couple of years, the following quote from T.U.S. shakes me up:

"You must realize that when you defend yourself you are really defending your walls.  There is nothing else to defend in there.  There is just the awareness of being and the limited house you built to live in."  (T.U.S., p. 116)

I find this quote to be very powerful and somewhat unnerving.  When I defend myself I am defending my walls.  Michael used the example of someone being told that they were adopted and how the mind would jump to rationalizations to patch up the walls of one's broken identity (T.U.S., p. 117).

This quote highlights the fact that I need to let go of all rationalizations...of explaining away situations so I can feel better...of defending myself both in my head and out loud.  

The second part of this quote, the fact that my real Self is nothing but 'the awareness of being' is equally as uncomfortable.  This is really letting go of the personal self.  It is one thing to let go of a little pain, fear, or resentment but to realize that it all has to go (the good, the bad, and the ugly) is downright scary.  No identity (the house) to navigate through and feel comfortable in the world.  And although this identity is far from perfect it does provide some direction and a sense of stability.  What will there be without this?  Who would I be?   

Despite my fears I am determined to carry on.  I know that there is freedom on the other side. I believe there is more to this experience in life than living in a safe yet limited house, cut off from the light.

As hard as this is, I will witness and release the fear, the rationalizations and the identity.  And when I become aware that I have gotten trapped in the ego (as I so often do), I will choose again to take a breath and remember that I am the awareness of being.